


Little Red Iron Man

by AnonEhouse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Civil War Team Iron Man, Crack, Folk tale retold, Gen, Humor, Not Steve Friendly, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Stark as the Little Red Hen, not friendly to Team Captain America
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 04:43:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11936544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Tony Stark as the Little Red Hen, who never got their 'friends' to help, although they expected to reap the benefits of the Hen's work.Totally not Team Cap friendly.





	1. Chapter 1

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

 

A little red Iron Man owned lots of houses, because he had worked hard and was very smart and so earned a lot of money. His favorite house had a beautiful cliffside view and a JARVIS (who wasn't a house, or a computer, or anything easy to define, so little red Iron Man just called him his friend.) One day a Fury broke into his cliffside home and told him that he should join a group to save the world. Little Red Iron Man didn't like people breaking into his house and shutting up his best computer friend, Jarvis, so he said NO.

The little red Iron Man also lived in a Tower. He had built the Tower, well, 88% of it, himself, and spent almost all of his time working busily to create new things, and especially to look for WORMS. He hated computer worms.

He had three very good friends, Ms. Potts (who wasn't anything like a pot), Rhodey (who wasn't anything like a road) and Happy (who was more often a bit grumpy). 

One day Coulson (whose father was probably not named Coul), who little red Iron Man had grown to like after a very bad first meeting, broke into the tower. He worked with the Fury, and apparently they did not ask permission to enter people's homes. Or even wipe their feet on the mat.

Little red Iron Man did not like this, but Ms. Potts asked him to help Coulson, and since little red Iron Man only had three real friends, they were important to him, and he would do anything for them. So he looked at Coulson's problem, and taught himself a new science overnight, and went to the Fury's floating ship to help.

He met other people on the Fury's ship. Mr. Banner (who was nothing like a Banner, but sometimes was a big green giant), Mr. Rogers (who did not read children stories, but instead had been frozen for future use after a war a long time ago), and Ms. Romanov (who was a Spider and a Spy and sometimes stuck people in the neck with needles). The Fury told little red Iron Man they were a team. 

Mr. Banner thought they were more like a bomb, maybe the kind you can make from fertilizer.

Little red Iron Man thought later that they should have listened to Mr. Banner, because there were a lot of explosions and other loud, destructive events. The Spider's best friend, Mr. Barton (who maybe spent a lot of time in a bar, little red Iron Man didn't judge, if he worked for the Fury, he would spend a lot of time in a bar) had got his brain stirred up by an alien who stole a Very Important Doodad.

When they tried to get the doodad back, the alien's brother, Thor (who really was Thor, which surprised little red Iron Man, who had got used to names not meaning what they said) got in the way, but then the Fury talked Thor into joining the bomb squad. 

Barton did a lot of explodey, but then Ms Romanov beat him up, which is how super soldiers and the like show their love, so Barton was cured and now a good guy, and Mr. Rogers immediately made him a member of the bomb team, without even waiting for him to get an aspirin for his headache. They did things like that during the war, apparently. It was a hurry up war.

There was a lot of fighting, and noise, but the bomb squad won- AFTER little red Iron Man flew a really big bomb through a hole in the sky at the other aliens, who all very conveniently dropped dead once the hole in the sky shut. It was also very convenient (for little red Iron Man) that Banner's big green guy caught him, so he didn't drop dead, too.

Little red Iron Man invited the whole bomb squad out to lunch and paid for everything, because he thought that now he had not just three real friends, but eight! That was almost a fourfold increase. His math was never wrong.

Little red Iron Man redid his Tower to make nests for all of his new friends, but they had other places they wanted to be. This was disappointing to little red Iron Man, but he consoled himself that they were his friends and he could count on them if he needed them.

He had bad dreams about the aliens, because there were so many many many of them, and they had many many many great big flying metal worms and he was sure they would come back.

He asked Banner, "Will you help me prepare for the alien invasion?"

Banner said, "No, I am not that kind of doctor."

He asked Mr. Rogers, "Will you help me prepare for the alien invasion?"

Rogers said, "No, I am busy defending Freedom for Fury."

He would have asked Thor, but Thor had gone off back to his home with his brother who was not his brother.

He asked Romanov, "Will you help me prepare for the alien invasion?"

Romanov said, "No, I am busy subverting Freedom for Fury."

He asked Barton, but only got an answering machine message which self-destructed.

So he prepared for the alien invasion by himself.


	2. Chapter 2

The Fury stole little red Iron Man's stuff to build killer ships, and not killer ships against the aliens, but killer ships against everyone else, which was really stupid. It turned out that the Fury had a lot of bad people in his great big team and they were doing bad things with computers and little red Iron Man's stuff, which little red Iron Man could have shut down, snip snap, in a minute, but the members of bomb squad who knew about this did not think to ask him.

Rogers and Romanov and Wilson (his father was probably not named Wil), a good friend that Rogers had made in Washington (he let Rogers be sarcastic and played straight man, so he was a much better friend to Rogers than little red Iron Man who had only laid down on the wire and been willing to die for him) stole more stuff and got into fights with another super soldier, who beat Rogers nearly to death. That is the way super soldiers say they love you so Rogers knew this was his long lost, also previously frozen, best friend from the old war.

They also smashed up all of the Fury's Super Secret Club, and put most of them out of work, except for the ones who got killed.

 

Little red Iron Man had trouble of his own, but he did not have time to call the bomb squad for help. Ms. Potts got very hot. Happy was unhappy in the hospital, and Rhodey was off flying for the Air Force, so he couldn't come. But it all worked out, except that little red Iron Man was still having bad dreams about aliens.

He asked Ms. Potts, "Will you help me talk to the U.N. about the alien invasion?"

Ms. Potts said, "I am very busy running your company and also running a temperature, so I do not think I can at this time."

He asked Happy, "Will you help me talk to the U.N. about the alien invasion?"

Happy said, "I am watching Downton Abbey, it is a marathon. Can it wait?"

He asked Rhodey, "Will you help me talk to the U.N. about the alien invasion?"

Rhodey said, "You do know I work for the Air Force? We're not allowed to believe in UFOs, but I will help you later, if I can."

He asked Banner, "Will you help me talk to the U.N. about the alien invasion?"

Banner said, "No, I do not want to think unhappy thoughts."

He asked Mr. Rogers, "Will you help me talk to the U.N. about the alien invasion?"

Rogers said, "No, I am busy looking for my best friend. You should be working with me to do that."

He would Thor, "Will you help me talk to the U.N. about the alien invasion?"

Thor said, "No, they are too puny. You should be helping me find my brother's stick of Doom, which the Fury lost."

He asked Romanov, "Will you help me talk to the U.N. about the alien invasion?"

Romanov said, "No, I am busy helping Thor and Rogers, which is what you should be doing."

He asked Barton,"Will you help me talk to the U.N. about the alien invasion?"

Barton said, "No, I agree with Romanov." 

So he spoke to the U.N. by himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Little red Iron Man paid for everything and made everyone look good and took them on a joyride in the forest where they met lots of Hydra bad guys, and Wanda and Pietro Maximoff (not that they knew their names then, and maybe their maxims were off. They never did say, but it seemed likely if you were working for Hydra, you had bad maxims.) Barton was nearly killed by Pietro, but one of the people who worked for little red Iron Man saved his life. Barton complained about that.

They did get the Evil Stick of Doom, which was good, but little red Iron Man had another bad dream while he was getting it, and he saw more aliens, and the bomb squad was all dead, except for Mr. Rogers, who said it was little red Iron Man's fault because he hadn't done enough by himself to save the whole world.

 

Little red Iron Man knew that the whole world was too big for him to protect by himself, no matter how he stretched out his arms. 

So he asked Thor if he could borrow his not-brother's Evil Stick of Doom, which had a shiny feeling to it, like a beetle with juicy flesh inside, so he could use it to make something that would protect everyone without the bomb squad having to lift a finger, because he'd begun to get the idea they wouldn't.

Thor said he could borrow it, but he had better not put any scratches in the paint, and return it with a full tank by the weekend because Thor wanted to take it cruising and impress chicks.

Little red Iron Man asked Banner if he would help.

Banner said, "I will help, this one time, but I think it is a bad idea, because there are things man was not meant to know."

Little red Iron Man said Banner had been watching too many old horror movies.

 

Little red Iron Man and Banner and JARVIS studied the ESoD, but the bomb squad had invited everyone, including a group from the Old War People's Home and all the Ex-Fury people Tony had hired because he felt sorry for them, and it was not a good economy to be looking for a new spy job, to have a party in little red Iron Man's Tower, so little red Iron Man had to play host, and Banner had to play nookie with Romanov.

Banner did not look like he really wanted to play nookie with Romanov, but it was an open bar, and the difference between a dog and a fox is six drinks. Since Romanov was a spider that made the calculations too complicated so Banner just went along with it.

The party went on way too long, and finally nearly everyone had gone home to sober up, except for the bomb squad and a few people who hadn't drunk much.

Barton insisted everyone try Thor's party game of picking up his hammer. Everyone except the Spider tried. Little red Iron Man tried really hard, and Rhodey helped him, but they could not do it. Little red Iron Man consoled himself by thinking that he had plenty of hammers of his own.

And then there were sparks or something and after that there was a whole lot of confusion and crazed robots, and Thor picked little red Iron Man up by the throat and blamed him.

And none of the bomb squad helped little red Iron Man. Not even Banner, who could have got big and green and when he was big and green he liked hitting Thor.

That hurt little red Iron Man's feelings. And his throat.

They all went after the big crazed robot, and fought all sorts of places. The Maximoffs were working with the evil robot, and Wanda watched while the evil robot forced the doctor who had saved Barton to make him a better killer body but when Wanda found that the evil robot was going to kill her and her brother, too, she set the doctor loose.

Wanda told Mr. Rogers that little red Iron Man shouldn't be trusted, so Mr. Rogers naturally believed her, because she had stopped being evil five minutes ago (Banner didn't agree because in addition to making everyone have bad dreams, she made him turn big and green and try to kill everyone, so little red Iron Man had to beat him up and buy a whole building to make sure it was empty and he didn't hurt anyone). But little red Iron Man didn't play straight man to Mr. Rogers' sarcasm, so he was obviously untrustworthy, so Mr. Rogers fought little red Iron Man.

Then there was a lot of running around, and they wound up with the evil robot's body actually being Vision, a good guy, like all the other electronic people little red Iron Man had made. JARVIS died so Vision could live. Little red Iron Man was sad, but Thor patted him on the shoulder and told him 'good job' which was the nicest thing any of the bomb squad had ever said to him, so that made it all right.

They all went to fight the evil robot, and Barton told Wanda that if she stopped sniveling and went out and fought, she would be on the bomb squad. 

Little red Iron Man really never had been on the bomb squad, as he realized later. Romanov had spent days sneaking around him when he was dying and told the Fury he wasn't good enough, and wrote up a whole psychological analysis that said he was only allowed to pay for everything and fight for them and spend time making stuff for them, but he wasn't really one of them. But the Fury was no longer in charge of the bomb squad, Mr. Rogers of the war that had no time to think about things, was, so Wilson hadn't been analyzed (but he was a good straight man, so he didn't need to be analyzed), and Wanda did go out and fight, so that was as good as analysis, wasn't it? She had stopped working for Hydra, probably.

Pietro died saving Barton (who he would have killed earlier if not for the doctor little red Iron Man had provided) which some people might have thought was being remorseful and balancing the books, but Barton forgot about that, just as he forgot who'd saved him before. So they finished off the evil robot.

Banner went big and green and took a plane and flew off into the sunset. Probably he wasn't too happy that the Spider had pushed him into a great big hole to force him to be big and green. He didn't think it was a good color on him.

Barton named his new baby after Pietro and everyone SAID they'd forgive little red Iron Man for the terrible crime of having something he couldn't prevent happen, when he was trying to keep everyone safe by preventing a war.

That was a bad thing, Mr. Rogers had told him. Preventing wars is a bad thing. You should let wars start so people can be heroes.

Little red Iron Man was not a hero. He just wanted people to be safe, and be able to buy nice phones and computers, and probably shoes. So little red Iron Man left the bomb squad and gave the bomb squad a big building with all the stuff they needed to be heroes, and promised to pay all the bills and fix everything that got broken, because his money was all they wanted, and that was ok, because they were heroes and deserved to have everything they needed and not have to worry about jobs.


	4. Chapter 4

So little red Iron Man had nothing to do with it when the bomb squad went out chasing bad guys and dropped buildings they did not buy on people, which was not Wanda's fault because there were a LOT more people who did NOT get killed, and Mr. Rogers had said you can't win them all, so don't feel bad, because when you cry it makes me go all soft inside, since you are really just an innocent child.

 

Little red Iron Man had to do a lot of fast talking to keep people from doing mean things to Wanda. He asked Vision to look after her, because the rest of the bomb squad was still off worrying about Mr. Rogers' missing boyfriend, except for Barton who had retired and gone home to redecorate.

Little red Iron Man went to the U.N. who told him that they were tired of the bomb squad going off wherever they pleased, and not even leaving a forwarding address. He couldn't really argue about that, so he took the Accord papers.

He asked Ms. Potts, "Will you help me talk to the bomb squad about the Accords?"

Ms. Potts said, "They are your friends, not mine. No, I will not."

He asked Rhodey, "Will you help me talk to the bomb squad about the Accords?"

Rhodey said, "I will try, but I do not know if I have small enough words to make them understand."

 

So he spoke to the bomb squad, and Rhodey spoke with them.

He asked Rogers, "Will you sign these papers that say you have to say please and may I?"

Rogers said, "No, I will not. The U.N. is a government that wants to keep us from saving people!"

He asked Wilson, "Will you sign these papers that say you have to say please and may I?"

Wilson said, "No, I will not, either! I was in the Air Force, and they gave me orders! I will only take orders from Rogers, now!"

He asked Romanov, "Will you sign these papers that say you have to say please and may I?"

Romanov said, "Ok, sure. I'll sign anything, it's only paper, I'm not held to it."

 

Little red Iron Man got a special set of old war pens, as a gift for Rogers, to pretty please sign the Accords. 

Rogers _almost_ signed, but then he heard that Wanda had been asked to stay in the kitchen and of course, he knew this was a terrible insult to a modern woman. And then he heard that Peggy, a woman he had ACTUALLY KISSED, had died of old age, after having lived about seventy years without him, happily married and had children and grandchildren.

So of course he immediately left the country so he could push aside her family and be a pallbearer at her funeral, because theirs was a true and shining love that superseded all others.

Then he found out that the woman who pretended to be his neighbor, but was actually a spy, who Romanov had tried to get him to romance back when he thought she was his neighbor, was actually his true love's niece. And she was all for him never having to listen to anyone else, because he was so pure and perfect, it was an insult to doubt his judgment. He liked her.

Rogers sent Barton to rescue Wanda from the horrors of the kitchen with Vision. Barton and Wanda quite justifiably wrecked the bomb squad compound (little red Iron Man would fix it, he always fixed everything, so it didn't matter) and beat up Vision because Vision asked her to stay for her own safety, but he didn't say 'pretty please with sugar on top'.

Then the people who wanted to talk about the Accords got blown up (which proves what a bad idea it was) and Rogers' best friend was being chased by the police, who didn't know that a super soldier shows love by trying to kill you. Rogers found him and showed a lot more people love and brought in most of the bomb squad to help, because his best friend couldn't possibly be hurt, that would be terrible.

T'Challa, the Black Panther (who really was black, but not so much a panther) tried to use Rogers and his best friend for a scratching post because his father got killed in the Accordion folding. Much stuff got wrecked. Many people got shown super soldier love.

Eventually Rhodey and a bunch of police brought everyone in.

Little red Iron Man said they'd have to be locked up, which was a very cruel thing to do, it's not as if it was their fault people were too slow to get out of the way.

The bad guy who really blew up the Accords wound up Rogers' best friend like a clockwork toy and set him off to do evil super soldier things.

Little red Iron Man tried to stop him and was only saved by his trusty wristwatch. Timex, takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'.

Rogers went after his best friend along with his loyal minions and learned that the bad guy had five more super soldiers that he could wind up and set off to kill people at a word.

It all got very confusing. Little red Iron Man brought his team to the baseball field... airport... and Rogers brought his team against them. There were a lot of balls waving around.

Little red Iron Man had added a secret weapon, which he really shouldn't have done, making a fifteen year old sneak out of the country without even asking his aunt's permission on a school night was bad enough, but bringing him to a no holds barred baseball game was even worse. 

Rogers had brought his own secret weapon, Antman (which is misleading because sometimes he was Gi-Ant man), and between all of them they broke up the ballpark and Rhodey, and set back international relations about a zillion years.

T'Challa _almost_ stopped Rogers and his buddy, but Romanov decided that Rogers and his friend were so determined it was a thing of beauty, so she electrocuted the king of Wakanda- a lot- and let them steal little red Iron Man's plane. They probably didn't think it was stealing because little red Iron Man had always given them everything they wanted.

Rogers and his buddy went to find the bad guy, who said he had five more super soldiers, just like his buddy. His buddy who he could wind up with a word and make fight and so he could do the same with the other five. Rogers is one super soldier. Five plus One equals Six against Rogers. Little red Iron Man's math was always better than Rogers'.

Little red Iron Man found out that it was not Rogers' buddy who had blown up the Accords, so he went to the prison where the captured bomb squad was and asked them to help.

He asked Barton, "Will you tell me where Rogers is going, so I can help him because I now know that although his friend killed lots of people including everyone who got in the way today, he did not bomb the Accords people, which, now that I think of it, was stupid for us to believe since he shoots people or beats them to death, he doesn't use bombs. So, my mistake, I apologize. Will you tell me?"

Barton said, "No, I will not. You are EVIL, I can TELL because you wear sunglasses indoors! ATTICA ATTICA ATTICA! And HAH, you stepped on a crack and broke your best friend's back!"

He asked Wanda, "Will you tell me where Rogers is going?"

Wanda drooled. She was wearing a shock collar and a strait jacket and neither one were her favorite color, which had silenced her.

He asked Wilson, "Will you tell me where Rogers is going?"

Wilson said, "I will, even though you are the spawn of Satan himself, because I'm sure Rogers would enjoy beating up your pasty white ass once again. He went to Siberia."

Little red Iron Man said, "Of course, Siberia is cold. Where else would you keep super soldiers on ice."


	5. Chapter 5

Little red Iron Man went to Siberia and had a touching reunion with Rogers and his best buddy, for about five minutes. Then the bad guy ran a home movie where Rogers' best buddy showed little red Iron Man's parents the ultimate in Super soldier love.

They had a big fight. Both Rogers and his best buddy showed little red Iron Man a whole lot of super soldier love. Little red Iron Man was such a sore loser that he made Rogers give him back the shield his father had made, which Rogers had used to smash little red Iron Man.

 

T'Challa felt bad about mistakenly blaming Rogers' best buddy for killing his father, because his father was the only person whose death counted, so he offered to let the buddy stay, and then Rogers' broke the rest of his bomb squad out of prison and probably brought them home to T'Challa because he owed it to them, now that little red Iron Man had proved unworthy of the honor of supporting them.

Romanova put up her middle finger to the world, because she was so wonderful they needed her and wouldn't dare touch her, and then warned little red Iron Man that everyone would be out to get him because of course a genius billionaire who created flying armored suits more powerful than a tank (which could have blown super soldiers into bits, except of course they are heroes and he's not, so he wasn't allowed to) well, anyway, no one needs HIM.

A few years went by, and Thanos showed up with his alien armada.

Little red Iron Man asked Ms. Potts, "Will you, Rescue, help save the Earth and become a hero and have ticker tape parades in your honor?"

Ms. Potts said, "I will."

Little red Iron Man asked Rhodey, "Will you, War Machine, help save the Earth and become a hero and have ticker tape parades in your honor?"

Rhodey said, "I will."

Little red Iron Man asked Dr. Strange, "Will you, Sorcerer Supreme, help save the Earth and become a hero and have ticker tape parades in your honor?"

Dr. Strange said, "I will."

Little red Iron Man asked Peter Parker, "Will you, Spiderman, help save the Earth and become a hero and have ticker tape parades in your honor?"

Peter said, "I will."

Little red Iron Man asked the Guardians of the Galaxy, "Will you, Guardians, help save the Earth and become heroes and have ticker tape parades in your honor?"

The Guardians said, "We will."

Little red Iron Man asked the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman, the Flash, and Alpha Flight and Captain Britain, and Magneto, and even Squirrel Girl (although there was always the chance she would just take care of Thanos herself and leave no fun for anyone else.)

"Right," said little red Iron Man, much, much, much later after calling in a long long list of names and getting agreement from everyone. "Let's go do it!"

"Wait," said Mr. Rogers. "What about us? I sent you a nice letter saying I'd come if you needed us! We will help save the Earth and become heroes and have ticker tape parades in our honor!"

"No, you won't," said little red Iron Man. "I will." And he zoomed off with all the real heroes.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Little Red Iron Man](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12863166) by [RsCreighton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RsCreighton/pseuds/RsCreighton)




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